Know your Penis

Who? Married to Liz Jones, columnist who writes about every little detail of her life, including Nirpal Dhaliwal and how rubbish she thinks he is.

Do? He has a column in the Evening Standard telling us things like he isn't going to have kids yet because he doesn't want to and how he'd like Sienna Miller to have bigger tits. Has recently written a book, Tourism, about a Asian writer who hates liberal middle-class white people as well as poor white people, includes the line "I looked at myself in the mirror, and I liked what I saw."

Penis? According to Private Eye "his observations are relentlessly mundane" and the Telegraph reckons "you need to be a better writer."